When I ask a patient what goal we want to work on, odds are the patient will respond “learn coping skills”. When asked to identify goals in couples counseling, most couples say “better communication”. What no one says is: “I’d like to cut off people in my life.”
And not all of us have relationships that are blocking us. Some people are blessed with relationships that are respectful, give and take, and caring. But if you are one of the many people who have people in your life that are disrespectful, one-sided, or emotionally immature, we need to talk about cut-off.
When I say cut-off, I don’t mean no contact necessarily. When we cut off access it may mean refusing to talk about certain subjects, refusing to join for a holiday, refusing to give financial support. Cutting off the tie that seems to be a source of tug of war, draining your energy and time.
We often use the term “boundaries” and I notice people really react to that word like it’s a therapy thing. And then they think setting a boundary means informing the other person of a desire: “I don’t want you to come home late” or “I want you to do the dishes”. I explain to my clients that a boundary is more like a gate that you open or close: “if you come home on time, you can enjoy the use of the vehicle, and if you are late, next time you will have to find a ride.” It isn’t a hammer: “if you come home late, you lose all privileges!” or a favor: “please come home on time so that I can sleep better.”
Not all boundaries will need to have cut off, or the closing of the gate and creation of a wall. Cut off becomes necessary when the very act of discussing is not good for us. This could happen because of a lack of respect, lack of caring, or a lack of give and take.
Cut-off could mean we don’t talk about certain things with certain people. So I may talk religion but not politics with one friend and vice versa with another. Cut-off could mean we do not offer resources like money or time, like splitting bank accounts or pacing our text messages or setting time limits on phone conversation. The difference between a boundary and cut-off is a boundary is negotiating, cut-off is informing. Cutting off of the relationship altogether is only necessary when the person does not respect these limits and tries again and again to overcome them or punish you for them. You then realize that this interaction does not serve you.
Why do we have a hard time with cut-off?
For some, we measure the health of a relationship more by quantity than quality of contact. If this person is our standard vendor, standard dinner date, standard work buddy, we may accept quantity instead of quality.
Or, we fail to connect our distress to their behavior. If we grew up with critical parents, we may think our bad mood or our irritation is part of our nature and fail to see the pattern that our mood changes around a certain person.
Or, we place too much emphasis on willpower and fail to see the impact of others on our mentality. There is a saying that you are the sum of the 5 people you spend most of your time with. If you have a friend or family member with an addiction, a negative mindset, or a lack of drive, it will rub off on you.
Or, we are living in the past. Whenever we try to meet our childhood needs (validation, security, nurturing) in our present day relationships, we get stuck. Our adult relationships are sources of respect, empathy, and mutuality. Validation, security, and nurturing comes from within.
Too often, we think of the cut-off in terms of the other. They aren’t good for me, they are a bad person, they are toxic. Why not believe that they may be a lovely person for others, but recognize that they aren’t good for us. I am allergic to shrimp, that doesn’t mean shrimp is bad for everyone. We can look at the cut-off in terms of doing what is best for us, send them blessings or forgiveness and move on.
The Mind Renewed 
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