Not wanted: Drama seeker

Are you getting sucked into drama and wondering how this keeps happening? You may be unknowingly setting yourself up for drama seeking individuals to latch onto you as a supply of attention and energy. Here are the signs that you are in the presence of an emotional moocher and strategies for getting out of their gravitational pull.

Signs that someone is a drama seeker:

1. They ignore “no” and push you to go along with what you aren’t comfortable with. This could be hijacking a get together and bringing along a stranger, citing “the more the merrier”, another example would be pushing you to sample food that you have declined, insisting you open a gift right then and there, asking you to detour for a quick errand, or volunteering you for a work assignment
2. They put words in your mouth: when you decline an offer or when you put your foot down, they take it with more intent than you have expressed. For example, you say you can’t come to a family gathering because of work and they indicate that you aren’t coming because you have a grudge or dislike someone, creating drama out of thin air. They may even tell others as if it is a fact or as if you expressed it that way, disregarding the difference between fact and supposition.
3. They seem to always have a new best friend that has so much in common that they seem “separated at birth.” They may go silent for weeks when they find this new friend but when the new wears off, they inevitably return to pull you back into the drama. They will likely tell you how this friend betrayed them or “showed their true colors” and portray themselves as duped and innocent.
4. They find evil forces to wage against. It could be politics or religion or fighting for a pet cause like the environment or against classes like the wealthy or the educated. They don’t stop at disliking the opposition, they depict them as evil and feel it is necessary to get you on board with the cause or call you part of the problem.
5. They have an uncanny ability to find your pressure points and push them. Then they call you sensitive and difficult and say it was just a joke or that you took it the wrong way.
6. They are jealous of others who have success, status, power, or money. They engage with people in leadership or who have respect and try to win them over or engage them in debate about their work. They may attack their integrity or their diligence and assume the role of whistleblower.
7. They make themselves indispensable at work and then shift to being a liability. Unlike a perfectionist’s, the quality of their work has an expiration date and then they become ineffective and combative, even sabotaging others or taking credit for others’ work.
8. They love to call others narcissists. Ironically since much of their behavior is narcissistic, they are quick to call others out as being opinionated when they find they can’t change someone’s mind and call others difficult when they fail to succumb to the tactics. They accuse others of lacking empathy when someone complains about their poor behavior or declines their invitations.
9. They have a lot of style but not a lot of substance. Flashy, immaculately groomed, or extravagant, but there isn’t much below the surface. They may gush about their favorite cause or their latest bff, but their praise lacks detail or insight.
10. They get intensely upset when others show imperfections such as being late, disagreeing with a partner, or a kid having age appropriate misbehaviors.
11. They rely on your ability to follow through or your good memory and fall back on their own inability to remember or follow through. At first, they take advantage of others’ good natures and ask for little favors due to their “oops” but over time it becomes apparent that they are unwilling to do the work to be responsible and that they use praise to get others to serve them.

Strategies for dealing with drama seekers:

1. Keep your independence. Take separate cars, get separate rooms
2. Be vague. Don’t give the name of that company you want to work for or the guy you are dating or your favorite new perfume, for you are likely to find out you have somehow been cloned or supplanted.
3. Prepare your exit: give an upfront time limit or excuse for when you feel ready to leave the conversation or the gathering. Remind them of this limit when you leave and they are less likely to take it personally.
4. Don’t react with expression or tone. Keeping your face and voice as neutral as possible, give your boundary as information not as discussion.
5. Avoid small groups where others indulge or tolerate the behaviors, stick to larger groups where it is more difficult for them to get others in their pocket and there is plenty of other people for you to engage with. One on one is also preferable to small groups, as they love to divide and conquer,
6. Don’t engage in opinion discussions or react to grenades they launch. You can acknowledge without agreeing or disagreeing.
7. Don’t take it personally. They truly lack an ability to go deep, so don’t take it personally when it stays superficial. They also lack a stable sense of self, so don’t take it personally when they provoke or test your stability.
8. Don’t sacrifice yourself. Just because they lack a strong sense of self does not mean you jump into the chaos and try to save them. You can toss them a lifesaver ring by being neutral, consistent, and keeping the distance necessary to maintain your peace.
9. Be mindful of how much time you spend following their battle cry. They can spend an enormous amount of time and energy demonizing narcissists. If you are concerned about another relationship that is narcissistic, don’t get help from those who seem to find it hard to move on.

You may have a friend or relative that seems similar to this but you find them enjoyable and agreeable. This is not about them — the hallmark of the drama seeker is that they tend to not be able to keep stable relationships or jobs.