At 52, I let go of how others define me

Every day we betray ourselves with the projections that we carry that others have laid on us.

Since I was a small child, I have dreamed of travelling overseas. I began studying foreign language as an adolescent. I earned a bachelor’s degree in European history and art history and foreign language. I have travelled across the US. But I have never applied for my passport. Until today.

It may confuse you to know that I have paid for many things that cost more than a passport. I have bought laptops, furniture, even clothes that cost more than a passport. I could certainly afford a passport. This is the nature of projections — they are unreal and yet you believe they are true.

The projection that I have believed for 50 years is “it’s not for you.” I know that there is evidence to the contrary. You may point to my two degrees, my business, my children, my hobbies, my domestic travel and say how can I believe it’s not for me when I have so much. That’s how projections work.

I have sat with gorgeous women who see themselves as ugly, with sweet women who think of themselves as evil, with gentle men who apologize for being mean, with kind teenagers who think they are annoying.

How do we get these projections? From emotionally abusive people who tell us lies about ourselves and we accept them. And then they tell it again and again and we believe it to be true.

Here are a few lies that we take on:

Others can ignore their faults and make us at fault: Someone steps on your foot and instead of apologizing says “You are always in the way!” This ruins our ability to process difficulty or pain with objectivity and begin to believe that anytime there’s a problem or conflict, it’s because of who we are.

Others can withhold access from us: We say we like music and they say “Oh no, your aunt is the musician in the family, it’s too bad you didn’t get that.” This ruins the natural passion that buds into talent with care and resources.

Others can cast our natural capacities as a negative quality: We show an uncanny ability to mimic people and are told “You are just a jokester, one day your face will stick like that”

These are common ways that hurtful people make sure they stay at the top. Any success, talent, or aspirations is seen as a threat and needs to be squashed to keep the pecking order.

We can take back our talents, our dreams, our desires and the best parts of ourselves.

Journal prompt: list all the traits that define you and then consider each one. Is it how you identify or how someone else saw you?

Some negative traits are a distortion of a positive quality that was seen as negative, for example, being energetic is seen as hyper, being verbal as chatty, being quiet as shy.

Some negative traits are purely projection without any evidence: feeling fat when thin, feeling loud when quiet, feeling dumb when smart.

Identify the moments that contributed to the projection. Then in your imagination, respond to that projection. Say what needed to be said in a letter you never send.

Then take that first step toward that dream.