Absolutely underused and definitely misunderstood — (so much that you likely will have a gut reaction when you read this word) — are our values. They create conflict and pain, and yet we hold to them even as we dismiss someone else’s. What makes values so important and how can they be used to help us grow?
Values are our internal compass. They tell us what direction we are headed and which way to turn. If we wake up and don’t want to go to work, this creates a conflict in our values. We may value responsibility, hard work , security that a paycheck gives, and a good reputation. However, we may also value relaxation, and self preservation, and peace, and all the things we can do if we stay home like make doctor’s appointments (health), cleaning out a closet (organization), and spending time with children (family). So here we are, struggling with values that are like different destinations on the internal GPS system.
Here is where we need to check on another guidance system we have: our feelings. When we call out from work we feel all the negative feelings that come with it: guilt, shame, anxiety, dread. Where are these feelings coming from? It could be that these feelings come from a critical parent who took a hard stance on missing school. Or we might have feelings like resentment or disgust for the management at work, possibly from past negative experiences with authority or from entitlement of permissive parenting. These feelings can mislead us and cause us to act in self defeating patterns.
Next we have all our thoughts about it. Excuses, judgments, minimizing thoughts, catastrophizing thoughts. These are our defenses that come up when we have an internal struggle. These thoughts are signs that anxiety is coming up. Given that we are in a struggle with our will, our anxiety responds to this tension and signals us to use our thoughts to fix it.
As we notice our feelings and our thoughts, we come back to our values and apply our wisdom by looking for common ground. On one side we have work that pays for our wellbeing. On the other side we have the things that create wellbeing. Within the conflict we look for an answer that accommodates both values. We can use weekends and lunch breaks to handle the things that we are wanting to handle. This instinctive feeling of dread and the thought “call out from work” was actually our values guidance system telling us that we need to be more intentional of how we use our time off. Or that we need to set boundaries with our manager about taking breaks regularly. Or to ask about telecommuting so that we recoup some of our travel time. When we find a common solution, it both makes sense and feels good.
This approach of looking for common ground also works in relationships. One partner may value adventure and the other relaxation. Rather than arguing about whether to stay home or go to the theme park, finding activities that accommodates both like hiking or river tubing creates a wonderfully satisfying relationship. Whenever a couple argues, there are always competing values underneath.
Values are core components of modalities like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and the Gottman Method. Self exploration on values and learning to use values wisely keeps us fulfilling our purpose. At times, we may have relationships or jobs or behaviors that are incompatible with our values. This incompatibility may mean that we let go of something that isn’t serving us. These are the times where we realize a value like loyalty or stability is meant to serve us not imprison us.
In therapy, I help my clients identify their values and learn to use them to build healthy strategies. I hope that you will also take time the next time you experience a conflict to think through the values at stake and find a resolution that both feels good and makes sense.
The Mind Renewed 
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