Am I married to a narcissist?

Inevitably in my first session with a client I will ask them for the biggest question they are struggling to answer. Some common questions are “will I ever get better?” and “why me?” or “why does God let bad things happen?” But a common question that I can see some are struggling with, that they don’t feel comfortable voicing, is “am I married to a narcissist?” After hearing the list of difficulties in the relationship that include arrogance, perfectionism, angry outbursts, controlling, lack of caring, manipulation, and other admittedly narcissistic symptoms, I expect that the client has been educating themselves about narcissistic relationships and putting two and two together. I tend to break the ice and say it for them: “Are you wondering if you are married to a narcissist?” Nearly every time I see a quick exhale of relief and a “Yes!”

What I typically tell them is “maybe.” And then I explain to them that narcissistic traits are common and it’s more like a spectrum that we all fall on. In fact, most 6 and 7 year-olds would qualify as narcissistic. I have seen many clients who informally diagnose their spouse as narcissistic and that spouse’s behaviors appear more consistent with an obsessive compulsive personality or a complex post traumatic stress disorder.

The dangers of labelling someone a narcissist include:

1. Getting the focus off patterns of behaviors that are 50/50
2. Feeling hopeless or like the situation is lose-lose
3. Feeling morally superior to the other person
4. Identifying as a victim
5. Getting caught up in feverishly reading and watching material on narcissism
6. Losing sight of the person as a complex individual

To avoid these dangers, I encourage clients to focus on themselves and their experience. Maybe they have codependence, maybe they too are narcissistic, maybe they give up easily or set high standards or any number of self defeating qualities that is keeping them stuck. I do recommend reading material on dealing with narcissism, but with an open mind and heart: some techniques are very effective such as “going gray rock”. However, if you lose sight of the goal of setting good boundaries in a compassionate way, you may lose your humanity in the process.