Couples vs individual work

After 10 years of working with individuals, couples, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, I found that relationship work depends on the capacities of the individuals and that fragile and resistant clients benefit from individual treatment to build those capacities. Until those capacities are developed, family therapy may be added for support and learning rather than trying to relate well. If you are considering couples counseling or if you have a family relationship to repair, these are some common signs that individual work may be more productive first:

You are sure the other person is the “problem”

You are a perfectionist, overcompensator, or highly codependent

You cry easily when talking about feelings and get overwhelmed

There is ongoing infidelity.

Your partner has a strong need to be seen in a positive light

You are not moved when your partner expresses hurt

You tend to shut down when your partner speaks

You have a history of trauma that you have never addressed in therapy

You believe your partner is “less than”

You talk over others even when they ask you for a turn

You prioritize family, friends, or work over your marriage

There is physical abuse in the relationship

There is substance misuse, eating disorder, or other addictive concerns

A depression or anxiety disorder is unmanaged

While most of these can be addressed in couples work, these are factors that may draw out work and cause frustration whereas individual work may feel more productive and supportive.